We often perceive small talk merely as casual chit-chat lacking significant value. In reality, small talk presents a wonderful opportunity for connecting, bonding, and learning from others.
However, many fear small talk due to concerns about making a good impression, not being able to say something interesting, or struggling to keep the conversation flowing.
It is seen as challenging because it demands a spontaneous response once the other person has finished talking.
This does not need to be the case. Once we understand the new perspective that I am about to share, all of a sudden, small talk can become enjoyable rather than something that’s scary.
Reframing your role
Your goal is to be interested, not interesting.
Many of us enter these situations believing we need to be exceptionally fascinating, engaging, or interesting. In reality, our main focus should be on being present and be interested in the ongoing conversation.
Adopting this new mindset can significantly alleviate the anxiety many of us experience.
Give yourself permission to pause
Most of us listen just enough to get the brief understanding of what somebody’s saying, and then we immediately start replying once the other person stops talking, believing the speed of our response is critical.
However, what is more important is providing an appropriate response.
And giving an appropriate response will take a little bit of time.
We have all encountered saying something that is unclear or inappropriate. Pausing helps reduce that from happening. So here are some things you can do to help slow yourself down. Try paraphrasing. Why?
Paraphrasing isn’t just parroting back what you heard.
It’s a distillation of what the other person said. And when you paraphrase it, you achieve several things other than it forces you to slow down your own thoughts, listen more carefully and buy you more time to really think. One, you demonstrate active listening and show respect for the other person.
You validate the other person because what you are doing essentially is telling the other person I heard you.
Don’t be mistaken. Paraphrasing doesn’t necessarily imply agreement with the other person’s viewpoint. It just means this is what I heard.
Two, it validates the content. It ensures you have accurately understood the other person’s message and this may prevent misunderstanding in your response.
How do I get the conversation started?
When we are in small talk situations, we often initiate with very common phrases.
- How are you?
- What brings you here?
- What do you do?
These are simple ways to get started, but they actually don’t take you very far.
For example, you say “Hi, how are you?”
And they say, I am fine.
Well, now I am back to where I started, and it’s even more awkward, right?
Instead, try initiating through questions that connect to the particular context and environment that you are in. Initiating with something that arouse somebody’s curiosity or highlight something that people might have missed it can really invite people to continue the conversation.
For example during a business seminar, you can start the conversation by saying “Have you noticed the tool that the presenter was using during his presentation? It seems like it is really useful. Have you had a chance to use something similar before?”
What if I have nothing more to say?
There’s always something to say. You can always ask a question.
Here is a simple trick.
Pause for a moment, then say ‘tell me more’ or “give me some more detail” to the other person in a curious manner. And just by giving the person an opportunity to speak again, that gives you time to find what you might want to response.
How do I end the conversation gracefully?
Perhaps more challenging than initiating small talk is getting out of small talk.
Finding an ‘excuse’ like “I need to go to the bathroom” is not necessarily the best way to end the conversation.
Instead try this approach.
When you try to end the conversation either because you want to leave, or the conversation has sort of run its course, you signal that.
You can inform the other person you need to leave in a moment, and continue the conversation on for a little bit more by asking one last question or providing one last feedback.
And together, you can draw the conversation to an end rather than you abruptly saying “I need to go to the bathroom”.
This is just a much better way to end a small talk conversation.